Monday, 28 July 2008

Cliché

He is walking all alone in the middle of the night. His sight is focusing on the road ahead. The cold wind touches his pale skin. In each step, you can feel the weight he’s carrying. Not the bag strapped on his shoulders but rather something more personal. There is something in his throat, a lump, that’s forcing its way to come out of his mouth but he keeps on pushing it back...back to his heart. But eventually, containing it all is not the best option, because sooner or later when the dam burst, you will surely catch yourself drowning. And so he did.


Using his left hand, he’s covering his mouth. No one is around, just the moon and the stars glaring from the sky. Definitely there are no ears that can hear his lamentations. But still he doesn’t want to show the world that there is a sad soul wandering in the stillness of the night. That here he is, face drenching with tears and his heart wrenching. From the losing end, he’s like a beaten soldier.


It was a night of nostalgia. It is as if everything happened just recently. The warmth of that embrace, the holding hands, the moments spent together, and all the kisses. That heart melting stare from those beautiful brown eyes, and the scent of that perfume he used to admire. The ecstasy of having somebody to love and take care of, he was able to experience it all but not tonight.


He always trusts his instincts. He believes that by trusting it, he is by all means protected against hurt, since he has that sense of awareness, that innate ability to see the possible outcome of a situation, which in his case has always been not in favour of him. But it seems like he is a fan complicating things. He knew it all along, that no matter what he do, even if he put his heart in the palm of his hands and dare to express it all, he can never make somebody love him back. But still he keeps on returning to the very flame that’s causing the burn. He was falling, though he knows that there’s no one on the ground to catch him.


“What’s my worth to you? What am I to you?”


All this time, he is seeking for the answer. And tonight, he becomes certain of THE answer. The sign he’s been waiting for just arrived in front of his face, biting him. “I never had your heart. I am just a rebound.”


It was all over.


No more happy times.


No more happy songs.


No more perfect rhymes.


For the second time in his life, somebody just walked out of the door.


Maybe he deserves it; after all it was his choice. He chooses to love a difficult person. Because he thought that it was the best thing that he can do. Turned out he was wrong. And so all he can do now is just to be happy for the one he love the most, even if it means he’s not part of that happiness. Even if it means he just have to step back, and look from afar.


He continues to walk, finding his way back home.


No more tears, just scars.



(just a work of fiction)

Friday, 25 July 2008

Rebound by Silent Sanctuary

Oh kay bilis naman magsawa ng puso mo
Ganyan ka ba talaga bigla na lang naglalaho
Para bang walang nangyari di mo man lang sinabi

Sana'y hindi na lang pinilit pa
Wala ring patutunguhan kahit sabihin ko pang mahal kita
Nalulungkot,nayayamot,nagmumukmok
Hindi ko pa yata kaya pang labanan ang damdamin ko

Nakakainis talaga nagmukha tuloy akong tanga
Pinaasa mo kasi puso ko ngayon tuloy lumuluha
Dahil iniwan mo kong mag-isa limang araw lang ay ba-bye na

Sana'y hindi na lang pinilit pa
Wala ring patutunguhan kahit sabihin ko pang mahal kita
Nalulungkot,nayayamot,nagmumukmok
Hindi ko pa yata kaya pang labanan ang damdamin ko

Rebound mo lang pla ako. . .

Sana'y hindi na lang pinilit pa
Wala ring patutunguhan kahit sabihin ko pang mahal kita...
Nalulungkot,nayayamot,nagmumukmok
Hindi ko pa yata kaya pang labanan ang damdamin ko..
Sana'y hindi na lang pinilit pa
Wala ring patutunguhan kahit sabihin ko pang mahal kita...





video uploaded by MrTheLoveBelow

Ako Si Kim Sam Soon Music Video: Luha

The episode that made my birthday complete. LOL I love Eugene Domingo!

This episode was aired last July 23.


video uploaded by newsuploader11

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Pilak

Isang taon na naman ang lumipas, at marami pang taon ang muling tatahakin. Kay bilis ng oras, at hindi ko namalayan na nadagdagan na naman ako ng mahigit tatlong daan at animnapung araw. Bigla kong naalala, isang taon na ang nakalilipas, sa eksaktong araw tulad ng sa ngayon, ang araw kung kailan ako nagdesisyon na umalis ng Pilipinas. Mabilis ang mga sumunod na pangyayari matapos kong ipadala ang liham na nagsasaad ng aking pagtanggap sa inaalok na trabaho sa ibang bansa. Sa loob lamang ng isang buwan, napalayo na ako sa aking mga magulang, kapatid, kamag-anak, at mga kaibigan.

Noong isang taon, kapiling ko ang mga mahal ko sa buhay noong nagdiwang ako ng aking kaarawan. Isang payak na salu-salo, yun bang karaniwan na sa ating mga Pinoy na ipinagluluto ng Nanay, pagkatapos ay aayusin nila Tito at Tita ang karaoke at magkakantahan. Tapos ay darating ang mga malalapit na kamag-anak at kaibigan. Hindi mahalaga kung may regalo man o wala, dahil ang mas mahalaga ay yung presensya nila.

Ngayong taon, malayo na sa lahat. Mag-isa lang. Walang magulang na magluluto ng pancit o ng spaghetti. Walang mga kapatid na kasamang maglilinis ng bahay dahil may darating na mga bisita. Walang mga Tito at Tita na pwedeng makasama sa kantahan at mga kaibigan na babati sa’yo. Wala silang lahat sa tabi ko.

Pero ano nga bang “big deal” doon? Isang araw lang naman yun. Katulad ng mga araw na lumipas at haharapin. Tuloy lang naman ang buhay. Kaya nga trabaho pa rin naman ang aatupagin ko sa araw na ito. Lumiban man ako sa opisina, madadagdagan lang ang mga gagawin ko sa susund na araw na papasok ako. Mas mabuti na rin siguro na ganun ang gawin ko dahil kahit papaano ay iwas sa gastos lalo na ngayon na bagong lipat ako ng bahay, marami pang pinagkakagastusan.

Hiling ko lang, na sana ay patuloy akong bigyan ng mabuting kalusugan dahil sa panahon ngayon bawal magkasakit. Pinagpapasalamat ko din kay Lord ang lahat ng mga biyayang natatanggap ko, maliit man o malaki kahit na minsan nakakalimot akong magpasalamat sa kanya, hindi pa rin nya ako pinapabayaan. Yun lang naman masaya na ako.

At para tapusin ang sinusulat kong ito, narito ang isang kantang inawit ko kanina. Pasensya na kung hindi malinis ang pagkakakanta. Hilig ko lang talaga ang umawit kahit na hindi mahilig ang awit sa akin. Minsan ay makapal lang talaga ang mukha ko. Ang pamagat ng kantang ito ay “Sana” na unang inawit ng bandang Pilipino na Shamrock. Isa ito sa mga paborito kong OPM, sana kahit papaano ay magustuhan din ninyo.








Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Wala munang seryoso

NOON:

"Harap-harapan na kayong niloloko Inay!! Gutay-gutay na ang katawan nyo, ang kaluluwa nyo gutay-gutay na rin!"

(Epekto ng Pasan Ko Ang Daigdig ni Sharon Cuneta kay Eben @ age 4)


NGAYON:

Anong mukha ihaharap ko sa Nanay ko ‘pag tinanong niya ko, “Anak, anong ginawa mo sa Singapore?” anong isasagot ko sa kanya? NAGPAPICTURE!?!?!

(Epekto ng Caregiver ni Sharon Cuneta kay Eben @ age 24)


Tama po kayo, noon at ngayon Sharonian po ako. LOL

Friday, 18 July 2008

My space

As of today, I am officially a resident of Sembawang. At last I have brought all of my belongings from our previous flat in Tampines. This is going to be my first time to have a room solely occupied by myself. Actually, this is my first time ever to have a solo room. Back in the Philippines, I don’t have my own room. I share an old “papag” with my brother and sometimes I even sleep on the couch. Our house is not that big that’s why the sleeping quarters are just partitioned by cabinets and some curtains. So here I am, writing my 94th post in my new room - my own little space.

My new room isn’t that big, just spacious enough for one to two person to stay in. I have a cabinet where I can hang my clothes, a single bed, and a small cupboard for my toiletries. Other perks includes air conditioning unit, an electric fan, and a computer table with study desk lamp and chair. Honestly I am satisfied, but if there is something that I don’t like about this room, it’s the lighting. It definitely takes the cake. In this room hangs a chandelier lit by 5 incandescent light bulbs. Before I move in, I requested the landlord to replace it with a more energy-saving light like an EFL. At first he was quite hesitant, even proud to say that he bought it from Germany. And so I thought, I know it’s expensive and imported, but the incandescent lights are hot! I look like a poultry chick inside an incubator. I already talked to the agent and agreed that if after two weeks I really can’t stand the German chandelier, they will replace it with a fluorescent light.

Anyway, I started cleaning my room since Monday. I’ve been busy with office stuffs during the day so I am only able to do the cleaning during night time. I’ve swept and mopped the floor, removed the dust on the computer table, folded and hung (brand?) my clothes in the cabinet, dressed my bed and pillows with new sheet and cases, and cleaned the electric fan that was previously covered with tons of dirt.

After arranging all my things, I found my room a bit dull. I was thinking of a way on how to beautify it without putting too much fancy stuff. Maybe you (yes YOU!) can share some suggestions and ideas? It would really help me on how to pimp my room.

I took some photos of my room and yeah I know it looks like a disaster, my apologies people. LOL. The last one is a photo I took while testing my new Canon EF50mm f/1.8 II lens. Did you notice what’s missing in the fourth photo?






Sunday, 13 July 2008

Per Te

Lolo,

Usually, whenever my friends would share their stories of pain I always have a piece of advice to give in return. I would try my best to console, just to lessen if not take away every bit of the hurt. I am willing to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on if that would give them comfort and a moment of peace.

But you know this time, I can’t think of any word that could ease the pain that you’re feeling right now. I’m trying my best to console you, but in the end I was mum and speechless, lost of any comforting rhetoric. Not that I don’t care, in fact, hell yeah I care, but because this time I really felt your pain, probably because I've had a similar experience. Each time you would open up, it feels like nothing’s right in your life. Sure you laugh, WE laugh, but sometimes I can still sense a hint of sadness. I don't know why but I can just feel it. I saw how you value things that you gave importance to, how you tried your best to hold on to something that’s left after everybody turned their backs on you. How you managed to give your best effort even though a single token of appreciation was never given back. Now, something beautiful was gone. It looks like even the number of wonderful moments spent together with the closest people you know isn’t an ideal measure of trust.

I want you to know, that even if I’m not saying anything, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. The truth is that I care so much that I’m trying my best to look for the most comforting words in my head before I open my mouth. But in the end, silence prevailed. It was all I can share to you, right beside you. Remember the last time we talked? I told you that “Yun lang naman ang kaya kong gawin”. Because I thought, in times like these, all you need is someone who’s not going to judge you based on your actions, but someone who would rather dare to listen to what’s really on your heart and mind.

“When one door closes, a window will open.” This isn’t the end, Lolo ko.

By the way sorry po, I'm so pakielamero and papansin talaga. *glee*



Saturday, 12 July 2008

On the move

I’ve packed my things and I’m all set. I can’t believe one year has already passed, and now I have to move out of the Big Brother house. Guess who’s the Big winner? Well, he’s no other than Freakazoid! Yes you read it right; he’ll be staying again for another year together with his new housemates. I really wish them good luck and I hope they break a neck este leg, and enjoy spending some wonderful time together ala Stephen King’s Room 1408. (Just now I can hear The Carpenter’s “We’ve only just begun” playing in the background. Haha!)

I have a cousin and she’s a civil engineer. She used to work for a Japanese company back in the Philippines and I think she stayed there for a year or two. Few months ago I heard the news from my mom that my cousin got a job offer in Norway. I was really happy for my cousin, because I know she’s been looking for something new to explore and to be able to gain more experience. Within a month she was able to get all the necessary documents to go abroad and now she’s living the Norwegian life. I seldom see her online primarily because of the time difference between Norway and Singapore (I think five or seven hours?). But the last time we got the chance to and I’ve shared my Jason Mraz’ “We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things” album.

Few days ago, a friend of mine from my previous work popped me a message. I was surprised when she told me that she’s migrated to Chicago with her husband (I know they’ll end up married ever since they’re still bf/gf because they look good together). It is her current job assignment that brought them to the US. I remember when we used to work in Ortigas, she’ll always tell me that “Good things comes to those who wait”. It was a time when most of our colleagues are filing their resignation letters in exchange of better job offers. We were the last batch to stay in the company until we’ve been retrenched last 2006. I know being retrenched is neither a best nor a good thing that could ever happen but after that day, we had our separate career paths. According to her, now at least she’s been reaping the rewards of being patient and it’s all worth it. Now she’s at the beginning of a new journey with her husband.

I will not be here in Singapore without the help of “Nanay”. She’s not my biological mother, but I call her “Nanay”. She is our job agent; the one who helped us find a job here and get all the requirements needed from our passports to medical clearance to work permits. She’s the prettiest “Nanay” as I always tell her. She could be very funny and jologs at times and she laughs very loud. We had so many good times together and I will never forget the time when she helped me find a temporary shelter during the feud with freakazoid. Lately however, it saddens me when I heard the news that she’s resigned. I know the reason behind it but I’m not going to disclose it here. These past few days I know she’s been having a hard time because of the pressure she’s experiencing at work. She deserves to take a break so now she’s back in Manila to relax and unwind. Hopefully she’ll come back again and start over.

I guess people really are supposed to move. We have our own individual journeys to take. We meet people on the way, spend some time with them, but at the end of the day we’re still individuals with different fates.

And as I always say, everybody leaves. Haha!

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

In Google Search

Type in the following and choose the first (that makes sense) that appears on the list:

1) Type in "[your name] needs" in Google search:
- Eben needs our help. [Tulungan niyo ko!]

2) Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
- Eben looks like bullshit. [Ang sakit niyo naman magsalita. LOL]

3) Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:
- Ebenezer likes to drink his dirty, soapy bath water while he gets a bath. [Kadire!]

4 ) Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
- Eben says, "rest now an' sleep..." [In short, mamatay ka na. rotfl!]

5) Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
- Eben wants to take time off [Totoo yan. Gusto ko umuwi ng Pinas at umakyat ng Sagada...]

6) Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
- Eben does not like you [Dun lang naman sa mga ayaw din sa akin. :p]

7) Type in "[your name] hates" Google search
- Eben hates the walls of stones that bind in his heart. [hindi naman masyado. hehe]

8) Type in "[your name] goes"
- Eben Goes Sky Diving. [Pangarap ko 'to]

9) Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
- Eben loves potato salad!. [Correcto!]

10) Type in"[your name] is" in Google search:
- Eben is a Sun Certified Java Programmer, Sun Certified Web Component Developer, Sun Certified Java Developer, and Senior Java Programmer/Analyst. [Unti-unting makakamit ko rin ang mga titulong yan.]
Masarap sa pakiramdam
yung nakapagpapasaya ka ng taong
karapat-dapat lang
na maging masaya...

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Not making any sense...again

Xibalba by Eben

"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are." - Bertolt Brecht


Today I received my In-principle approval to renew my employment pass. This means that my stay here in this foreign land will continue for the next twelve months. My current contract is extended until December and my agency is under negotiation with a new client. Lately, work has been very stressful for me, but I need to be strong. Besides, nobody said it was going to be easy. Though sometimes I could really feel the toxins piling up, drowning me that all I’m dying for is a freaking break.


***************************


Our tenancy is coming to an end, too. I’ll be moving in to a new house later this month together with one of my house mate and two other colleagues. The new house is situated a bit far from the city but still okay nonetheless at least I’ll be having my own room (meaning there’s no more freakazoid roommate for me), and the house is definitely much better as compared to our current shelter. I can sense that “adjustment period” is about to start again.


***************************


In a matter of weeks, I’ll be celebrating my silver year. That’s another 365 days to be added to my lifetime. This is going to be my first birthday without my friends and family, but regardless, I’ll try to be happy and celebrate that day even if it’s just a simple dinner with some of the people I consider as my closest friends here. Who knows, maybe I’m in the mood to cook something for them. Since I’ve been settling all my financial obligations for the past weeks, that means I don't have much to spend.



***************************


It’s always been my habit to make a phone call to my family once in a while, checking what’s their “ulam” for the day, doing a roll call of my two younger sisters and asking them how’s school and if they’re doing their assignments and projects, scolding my dad whenever I caught him sitting in the “sugalan” all day, and giving some advice and lectures to my younger brothers. The routine has always been like this, even if they forget to ask if I'm still eating three meals a day, I’m always in character to play the role of “kuya” or the “shock absorber”. I maybe far away from home, but I’m always updated not just with good news but most of the time the bad. Money has always been an issue and some relatives who might have thought I am now filthy rich they keep on milking me and my family.



***************************


Honestly I don’t know how I should put an end on this blog post. All I want to say is that, I feel so old yet I’m just in my mid 20’s. I’m so tired and I badly needed a break. Maybe this is just homesickness setting in or that “burnout” feeling, hopefully it wouldn’t last that long. Perhaps I’m just a little overwhelmed with what’s happening in my life right now. Being a person, who dared to leave his comfort zone to try new things and test the waters, my decision that brought me wherever I am right now have definitely taught me a lot of things in terms of professional, social, psychological and personal aspects. I have no regrets whatsoever in choosing this path, it's just that I'm still human, a creation gifted to feel. Eventually, this depression that I’m having right now, it shall come to pass, I know it will. It must.


I was trying to write something more cheerful, but ended up ranting; my apologies to the readers (if there’s any).

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Rechannel

Kung minsan, may mga panahon na nalulungkot tayo o gusto natin ay yung mapag-isa. Maaaring dahil sa problema, depression, stressed sa trabaho o sa studies, at kung anu-ano pang mga kadahilanan. We need time for ourselves to cope with these things. Sabi nga para daw makapagmuni-muni at makapag relax. Bawat tao may kanya kanyang trip. As for me, here’s my fair share...


Sound trip hanggang sa makatulog. Kapag walang magawa at gusto lang magkulong sa kwarto, pipilitin ko makatulog habang nakikinig sa mga mp3 collections ko. Ilan sa mga pinakikinggan ko ay yung albums nila Simon Webbe, Jason Mraz, Evanescence, Goo Goo Dolls, classical and movie soundtracks, at ang guilty pleasure ko – mga songs ni Regine Velasquez at ng Aegis LOL . Jologs man, pero hirap kasi ako makatulog, kaya yung mga ganitong klaseng music yung nakakatulong sa akin para maging mahimbing ang tulog ko. In short tamang senti lang. Pagkatapos nun paggising ko, okay na ulit ako.


Videoke/KTV. During my opis boy days sa Ortigas, palagi akong napapadaan sa Megamall kapag uwian na. Aside sa window shopping at pagpapalamig salamat sa aircon ng mall, palagi akong nabibisita sa Timezone at tinitignan ko kung may available KTV room. Kahit mag-isa lang ako, magta-topup ako ng card tapos sasabak sa kantahan. Kakantahin ang signature song na Gold ng Spandau Ballet, at mga OPM ballads hanggang sa mapaos. I even tried recording my voice sa Karaoke King. As in ganun kakapal ang mukha ko. Haha! I dunno, pero sa akin kasi, instead na umatungal ako kapag may problema, idinadaan ko na lang sa pagkanta, at least yun nasa tono. Hehe.


Dance Maniax, O2 Jam at Audition Dance Battle. Maliban sa KTV, isa din sa dinadayo ko sa Timezone ay yung Dance Maniax. A friend of mine introduced me to this arcade game. You use your hands and body and the machine will recognize your movements through its 8 optical sensors. Maganda na din exercise ito dahil pagpapawisan ka lalo na kapag WILD mode ang pinili mo at naka 2.5 and above ang speed. Sa O2 Jam naman, honestly hindi ako pro dito. Ni hindi pa nga ako nakakapaglaro ng HARD mode. Pero masaya din syang laruin kasi mahahasa ang reflexes mo. Kapag badtrip ako, ibinubunton ko yung inis ko sa bawat pagtipa ko sa keyboard. Same goes with Audition Dance Battle. Frustration ko kasi ang pagsayaw at since parehong kaliwa ang paa ko, I let my character do the dancing for me. LOL.


Watch movie. Several times na nasubukan ko ng manood ng movie sa sinehan na hindi kasama ang mga kaibigan ko. Mas nakakapag concentrate ako sa pinapanood ko kapag ako lang mag-isa, tapos uulitin ko ng ilang beses yung movie lalo na pag nagustuhan ko.


Food trip. Food gives me comfort. Kaya naman kapag naisipan ko mag food trip, lamon kung lamon talaga. Kakain ako sa isang Korean resto and then mag-oorder ng Kimchi Chigae, Bokumbap, o kaya naman Saba Fish. Kapag trip ko naman mag japanase food, tonkatsu lang or maki ang katapat, solb na! Masarap din kumain ng ice cream at anything na sweet. Kapag walang pera, masaya na ko sa Boy Bawang na nilagyan ng maraming suka at asin o kaya naman yung panutsa na maraming mani. Kapag sinisipag naman ay nagluluto ako, yun nga lang parang nawawalan ako ng ganang kumain pag ako ang nagluluto, kaya mga kapatid ko ang umuubos ng niluto ko.


Walk. Naaalala ko pa dati, kapag financial ang pinoproblema ko, maglalakad ako. Nakayuko at nakatingin sa nilalakaran, para bang I was expecting na makapulot ng pera sa daan. Minsan naman, basta gusto ko magmuni-muni, lakad lang ako ng lakad. Kahit wala naman exactly na pupuntahan, lakad pa rin. Hanggang sa makarating sa pinakamalapit na park, tapos uupo sa bench, titignan yung mga tao sa paligid – mga matatandang naglalaro ng dama at chess, mga lovers na nagsusuyuan, mga pet lovers na iginagala yung mga aso nilang may breeding, mga magkakabarkada na nagkukulitan, si manong na nagtitinda ng cotton candy or ice cream, mga palaboy sa kalye na nagpapahinga sa park na tila may sariling mundo, mga bikers at skateboarders. Sa paglalakad, mapapansin mo yung mga ordinaryong bagay na noon hindi mo binibigyan ng atensyon.


Maglinis ng bahay. Kapag inatake ako ng O.C. (Obsessive Compulsive), wala na akong ibang gagawin kundi maglinis ng bahay. Isa sa mga tinatarget ko kapag sinisipag akong maglinis ay yung banyo. Gusto ko kasi sa bahay, malinis ang kasilyas. Kaya naman hanggat maari, pinipilit ko paputiin yung tiles ng banyo namin. Kuskos lang ng kuskos. Labhan ang basahan, magwalis, magtanggal ng alikabok, ayusin yung mga DVD at CD collections ko, sinupin yung mga magazines at dyaryo, at pagtyagaan na tiklupin ng maayos yung mga plastic bags na ginamit sa pamamalengke. Kapag naglilinis ng bahay, hindi naman kailangan mag-isip ng mag-isip, para bang walang ibang naglalaro sa isip kundi ang maglinis lang.


Go to a chapel/church. Iba yung pakiramdam kapag nasa loob ka ng isang chapel. I remember nung college, mahilig ako tumambay sa Interfaith chapel, doon nagrereview o kaya naman nagpapalipas ng oras. Tahimik kasi at very peaceful ng place. Pwede ka mag-meditate if you want a moment with the Lord. I believe na sa kabila ng mga problema na dumadating sa buhay natin, we can always ask for His guidance para malampasan natin yung mga pagsubok na kinakaharap natin.




Parang nakapababaw ng mga inilista ko, pero doon ko napagtanto na sa mga mababaw na bagay, kahit papaano gumagaan ang pakiramdam ko imbis na magpakalunod at magpatalo sa mga pagsubok na dumarating.