Saturday, 5 July 2008

Not making any sense...again

Xibalba by Eben

"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are." - Bertolt Brecht

Today I received my In-principle approval to renew my employment pass. This means that my stay here in this foreign land will continue for the next twelve months. My current contract is extended until December and my agency is under negotiation with a new client. Lately, work has been very stressful for me, but I need to be strong. Besides, nobody said it was going to be easy. Though sometimes I could really feel the toxins piling up, drowning me that all I’m dying for is a freaking break.


Our tenancy is coming to an end, too. I’ll be moving in to a new house later this month together with one of my house mate and two other colleagues. The new house is situated a bit far from the city but still okay nonetheless at least I’ll be having my own room (meaning there’s no more freakazoid roommate for me), and the house is definitely much better as compared to our current shelter. I can sense that “adjustment period” is about to start again.


In a matter of weeks, I’ll be celebrating my silver year. That’s another 365 days to be added to my lifetime. This is going to be my first birthday without my friends and family, but regardless, I’ll try to be happy and celebrate that day even if it’s just a simple dinner with some of the people I consider as my closest friends here. Who knows, maybe I’m in the mood to cook something for them. Since I’ve been settling all my financial obligations for the past weeks, that means I don't have much to spend.


It’s always been my habit to make a phone call to my family once in a while, checking what’s their “ulam” for the day, doing a roll call of my two younger sisters and asking them how’s school and if they’re doing their assignments and projects, scolding my dad whenever I caught him sitting in the “sugalan” all day, and giving some advice and lectures to my younger brothers. The routine has always been like this, even if they forget to ask if I'm still eating three meals a day, I’m always in character to play the role of “kuya” or the “shock absorber”. I maybe far away from home, but I’m always updated not just with good news but most of the time the bad. Money has always been an issue and some relatives who might have thought I am now filthy rich they keep on milking me and my family.


Honestly I don’t know how I should put an end on this blog post. All I want to say is that, I feel so old yet I’m just in my mid 20’s. I’m so tired and I badly needed a break. Maybe this is just homesickness setting in or that “burnout” feeling, hopefully it wouldn’t last that long. Perhaps I’m just a little overwhelmed with what’s happening in my life right now. Being a person, who dared to leave his comfort zone to try new things and test the waters, my decision that brought me wherever I am right now have definitely taught me a lot of things in terms of professional, social, psychological and personal aspects. I have no regrets whatsoever in choosing this path, it's just that I'm still human, a creation gifted to feel. Eventually, this depression that I’m having right now, it shall come to pass, I know it will. It must.

I was trying to write something more cheerful, but ended up ranting; my apologies to the readers (if there’s any).

1 comment:

iriz said...

tough days for a tough guy.
just like your post,not sure how it will end, but it surely will. ;0)