Sunday, 30 September 2007

House warming and the neverending conflict

Saturday, I was invited together with my housemates to attend a house blessing late lunch – early dinner party. We hit the road around 1 'o clock in the afternoon, took a bus then a 45 minute train ride, then dropped off at Admiralty station. Thanks to the travel instructions in StreetDirectory.com, we were able to reach the place quickly. And so we were welcomed by the owner (or should I say the tenant) of the house, an officemate of ours (we work in the same company, but we, the consultants, are deployed somewhere else). Haven't eaten anything for lunch, we dived into the table to take a bite of mouth-watering delicacies, mostly pinoy food, thank God! There's sisig, tokwa't baboy, chicharon, spaghetti, grilled chicken, among others. The food is fantastic.


I dont know, but I didn't eat much. After draining a can of soda, and two glasses of red wine, my stomach was already full. In as much as I wanted to participate in the demolition of that vanilla ice cream, it's like I lost my appetite. I remembered something. That same feeling again. That sudden change of mood. Why...


I was quiet the whole time, until we bid goodbye and regarded our thanks to the hosts of the party.


The first time I set foot on this country, I don't know what to expect. Let alone sharing a house with four people. Having different sets of beliefs, environment and up bringing, some adjustments must be commenced in order to achieve harmony. I told myself that for as long as I keep my nose clean and away from any trouble, I'll be alright. But I guess I'm wrong. This is going to be a real-life Big Brother season that would run for over a year.


Conflict, is a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns. Cat versus Dog. Israel versus Palestine. Administration versus Opposition. Bush versus Bin Laden. Angels versus Demons.


In our case, it's house mate versus house mates. One versus four.


I don't want to elaborate any further, but the bottom line is that there are some conflicts that can't be resolved in just one sitting like a forum. Backstabbing, below the belt comments, name-calling; these are just a few of what comes after a conflict was triggered. As much as possible, all I wanted was a peaceful stay here. I'm not interested in these kinds of childish games.


That night, the alleged antagonist of the house approached me and asked if we could have a walk, he's got something to say. I said yes. I'm the remaining house mate whom he can talk to since we're sharing the same room.


He is someone who likes to be alone, who had so many personal struggles in recent memory, like death in the family. He acts weird, in my honest opinion, and talks as if he knows everything just because, according to him, he came from a very good environment. An environment of civilized people, again according to him.


It's really hard to talk to a person who wanted to be heard but never interested to listen. For me, that conversation with the alleged antagonist of the house is just a waste of time. I tried to be positive, to at least give him the message that could change the situation, telling him what might be the root of all this misunderstandings and my personal take on this issue, but he keeps on rejecting it. Butting in everytime I wanted to talk. The words became burning lava inside my chest and all I wanted was to throw it all out on his face. LISTEN YOU BASTARD! IT'S MY TIME TO TALK! I'VE GIVEN YOU ENOUGH TIME TO SPEAK TRASH! LISTEN!


“You don't know what I've been through”. He thinks the world is on his shoulder. I reminded him that he should not make any assumptions on how other people take things in their lives. That he's not the only person in this world who suffered from a loss. In short, WAG KANG PAAWA EPEK!


He wanted respect, fairness, acceptance. Again I reminded him that respect is not something that can be imposed, but is earned. He's talking about fairness, but is he fair? Cleanliness in the house is like a basic rule for every human habitat in this planet. He couldn't even flush the toilet after taking a pee. He talks about how disgusting the way other people talks. But isn't it more disgusting to say that people living in Cavite are all drop dead poor? He wants acceptance, but does he really wanted to be accepted? I think not. It's the way he interacts with other people, it's like he wanted to repel anyone whose breaching in his self-contained barrier.


The conversation came into an end. Nothing was resolved. The conversation, or should I say "unidirectional communication" is a waste of time, energy, and saliva. I don't want to talk to that person anymore. Do I deserve this? Definitely NOT.


And so I was writing this blog, it's 3am, just wanted to release the stress brought out by this person. I owe it to blogger! Hehe.


Somebody told me, “well just play neutral”. OK, I'm playing it right now, but I don't know until when? I was thinking that maybe there will come a time when I'll have to choose a side or a faction. Or perhaps, I'll just stick to what I believe in and remain a mediator between the clash.

Monday, 24 September 2007

Lullabaaaaah!!!


Sleepless nights.

Counting sheeps doesn't work anymore.

I don't know why, but recently I'm having difficulties to shutdown my brain and let my physical self lie in slumber. My body want's to rest, but my mind is always occupied, spinning like a restless mechanical gear.

God I need some sleep!


Maybe I should try counting goats...or cows... or pigs...all the animals in Old McDonald's farm...

Inaasam-asam




Nais kong maniwala

Na ang buhay ko'y may pag-asa

May liwanag, may ligaya
Buhay na puno ng saya

Sa kabila ng pait

Lungkot at pasakit
Alaala mo man ay di mawaglit
Nais kong lumimot
Nais kong magbago
Nais kong itama ang mga pagkakamali

Burahin ang marka ng kahapon
Mamuhay sa kasalukuyan
Isara ang pintuan ng nakalipas
Mag bagong bihis
Gaya ng isang bagong silang na sanggol
Tulad ng namumukadkad na bulaklak
Wari'y hamog at simoy ng hangin sa umaga
Katulad ng bukang-liwayway.


ca. 12-oct-2006

Sunday, 23 September 2007

Isang Buwan

Setyembre 21, opisyal na naka isang buwan na ako dito. Natatandaan ko pa nung nasa airport ako, hinatid ako ng family ko. Naiinip sila dahil ang tagal bago dumating ng makakasama ko sa biyahe. Ika-9 ng umaga ang usapan, subalit sa ilang mgakadahilanan, ika-11 na ng umaga ay hindi pa siya dumadating, magkahalong kaba at excitement and naramdaman ko nung mga oras na yun. Excited dahil first time ko, kaba dahil hindi ko alam ang mga susunod na mangyayari sa akin pagbaba ko ng eroplano. Itinuturing ko na isang bagong kabanata ng buhay ko ang gagawin kong paglalakbay.

Nakakatuwang isipin, na sa mga ganitong pangyayari, ay nakikilala mo mo kung sino ang mga tunay mong kaibigan. Mga nakaala na batiin ka ng “Ingat, mamimiss ka namin, see you soon”. Mga nag text, tumawag, at higit sa lahat ay humabol pa sa airport, masaksihan lamang ang iyong pag-alis. Maraming maraming salamat sa inyong lahat.

Kay bilis talaga ng panahon. Sa loob ng isang buwan ay marami nang nangyari, naranasan at nasaksihan. Ang lahat ng ito ay bahagi ng aking pagkatuto. Bagama’t malayo sa mga taong pinakamamahal, naroon yung pakiramdam na masaya ka, dahil may isang bahagi ng sarili mo na tila matagal nang gustong maranasan ang maging malaya, maging independent, ang magdesisyon ng para sa sarili.

Hindi ako bato para hindi ko hanapin ang mga nakagisnan na. Dalawampu’t apat na taon, kasama ko ang aking mga magulang, kapatid at mga kaibigan. Mga pamilyar na mukha na araw-araw mong nakikita. Pagkatapos ay bigla ka na lamang malalayo sa kanila. Iniisip ko na lang, na sa bandang huli, magkakasama-sama kaming muli.

Hanapin ang sarili. Isa sa mga bagay na gusto kong gawin habang naririto. Ang totoo, hindi ko pa rin matanaw ang bukas na naghihintay sa akin. May kulang pa rin. Kulang pa…

Bagong pakikisalamuha sa iba’t-ibang uri ng tao. Ngayon ay mas malawak ng pakikisalamuha dahil hindi lamang kapwa mo Pilipino ang dapat mong pakisamahan. Tunay nga na mas makikilala mo ang isang tao kapag nakasama mo siya sa loob ng pamamahay. Dahil sa iba’t-iba ang pinagmulan, magkakaiba ng kapaligirang kinalakhan, hindi maiiwasan ang di pagkakaunawaan. Nakakalulungkot isipin, na dapat sana’y kami ang magkakakampi dahil puro kami Pilipino, kami-kami rin ang kumakalaban sa isa’t-isa.

Gigising sa umaga, kakain, magta-trabaho buong araw, kakain, matutulog sa gabi., gigising muli sa umaga, kakain, walang katapusang siklo ng buhay.

Isang buwang nakalipas, labing-isang buwan pang tatahakin.

Ito pala ang pakikipagsapalaran.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Bago

Bagong buhay, bagong blog. Kasalukuyang nakikipagsapalaran sa ibang bansa, para lang matupad hindi lamang ang aking sariling mga pangarap, kundi pangarap din ng aking pamilya.

Ngayon lang ako nahiwalay sa kanila ng ganito katagal. Dati, ayos na ang isa hanggang 3 araw na hindi ko sila nakakapiling. Noon, dahil sa mga pagsusunog ng kilay sa pag-aaral, kailangan mag overnight sa bahay ni classmate para mag-aral. Minsan naman, para lang makapagpahinga at makapag-unwind ay aalis ng lungsod kasama ng mga kaibigan at magpupunta sa mga lalawigan.

Ngayon, malayo akong muli sa kanila, pero hindi oras, araw, o linggo ang dapat kong bilangin kundi taon.

Akala ko, hindi ako iiyak. Ang akala ko, malalampasan ko ang mga susunod na araw dito sa Singapore na hindi ako nakakaramdam ng lungkot. Dahil kung tutuusin, minsan ko ng pinangarap na mapag-isa. Sa tatlong taon ng paghahanapbuhay sa Pilipinas, may tahanan akong inuuwian, tahanan na nasasandalan, tahanan na napagkukunan ko ng lakas. Sila rin ang aking pinagsisilbihan. Naisip ko noon, gusto kong maranasan ang nararanasan ng iba, ang maging independent. Mag-board? Mukhang masarap subukan.

Ni sa hinagap hindi ko naisip na ganito kabilis ang makapunta sa ibang bansa. Swerte daw na maituturing, dahil ayon sa iba, walang mangyayari kung sa Pilipinas ka magtatrabaho. Lahat na yata ng negatibong tungkol sa Pilipinas ay narinig ko na, ang ilan ay naranasan ko pa nga. Ang ideyang maging independent ay natupad, pero hindi lang basta-basta pagbo-board ang nangyari, lumabas na pala ako ng Pilipinas. Milya-milyang layo mula sa mga taong pinakamamahal ko.

Narito ako ngayon, nakikisalamuha sa mga taong hindi ko kalahi, hindi ko kaamoy, at hindi kaparehas ng wika. Pero pinipilit mabuhay. Gaano man kahirap, gaano man kalungkot, isang bagay na lang ang pinanghahawakan ko. Habang nananatili sa aking puso na mayroon akong magulang, mga kapatid at mga kaibigan na patuloy na naniniwala sa akin, hindi ako susuko.

Anuman ang naghihintay sa akin sa mga susunod na oras, araw, buwan, o taon dito sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon, Dios ang magiging patnubay ko.